Who tells me thou art darkness?

[rowanf]

Mori-moonlit.jpg
Originally uploaded by rowanf.

Happy April 1st. I don't feel very fool-y for some reason. Feel free not to read this pity party.

I got my Photojojo time capsule and all the pictures were from Costa Rica... which is where I was this time last year. I have officially been unemployed for a year.

It has been a hard year emotionally. I feel like I am not contributing to the world; and yet I don't really have any energy or ambition. I feel fairly wedged. I'm not sure who I want to be when I grow up, which at 59 is just really sad.

My fantasy self is still wishing for a tropical beach. And yet my actual self is very happy with her family and the Bay Area (except for the weather and the traffic). I so do not want a job with a commute. I don't want a job that is 40 hours a week. I can only define my "don't wants". I have no actual wants.

Looking at the jobs on offer doesn't help. They are mostly in Palo Alto or points north. They are all about "excellent time management in a fast paced environment", are looking for someone "innovative, collaborative, and energetic" and my favorite "must be able to meet the physical demands of the position".

I wish I thought buying a lottery ticket would do anything other than cost me a buck.

Comments

[malterre.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure who I want to be when I grow up, which at 59 is just really sad.
I find it reassuring, who would want to be the cookie cutter we envisioned at 22..
:)

[rowanf.livejournal.com]

This struck me as funny. At 22 had had lived abroad on my own, been tear gassed at the 1972 Republican convention, been an outside campus agitator, lived in a lesbian collective and threatened to sue my university for refusing to recognize "The People Coalition for Gay Rights" as a student organization. I was working for the state underwater archaeology dept and well on my way to my Anthro degree. Twenty two was actually about the time the women's community trashed me and I started hanging out with drag queens and then eventually started dating men (fellow archaeologists mostly). Oh and I started my first training coven, passing along what I had learnt to date (as the closest covens I could find to my college town were hundreds of miles away). And I worked with the Creek Nation doing ritual work. The last thing I envisioned for myself was a cookie cutter life. And I can happily say I haven't had one.