Who tells me thou art darkness?

[rowanf]

Mori-moonlit.jpg
Originally uploaded by rowanf.

Happy April 1st. I don't feel very fool-y for some reason. Feel free not to read this pity party.

I got my Photojojo time capsule and all the pictures were from Costa Rica... which is where I was this time last year. I have officially been unemployed for a year.

It has been a hard year emotionally. I feel like I am not contributing to the world; and yet I don't really have any energy or ambition. I feel fairly wedged. I'm not sure who I want to be when I grow up, which at 59 is just really sad.

My fantasy self is still wishing for a tropical beach. And yet my actual self is very happy with her family and the Bay Area (except for the weather and the traffic). I so do not want a job with a commute. I don't want a job that is 40 hours a week. I can only define my "don't wants". I have no actual wants.

Looking at the jobs on offer doesn't help. They are mostly in Palo Alto or points north. They are all about "excellent time management in a fast paced environment", are looking for someone "innovative, collaborative, and energetic" and my favorite "must be able to meet the physical demands of the position".

I wish I thought buying a lottery ticket would do anything other than cost me a buck.

Comments

[malterre.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure who I want to be when I grow up, which at 59 is just really sad.
I find it reassuring, who would want to be the cookie cutter we envisioned at 22..
:)

[rowanf.livejournal.com]

This struck me as funny. At 22 had had lived abroad on my own, been tear gassed at the 1972 Republican convention, been an outside campus agitator, lived in a lesbian collective and threatened to sue my university for refusing to recognize "The People Coalition for Gay Rights" as a student organization. I was working for the state underwater archaeology dept and well on my way to my Anthro degree. Twenty two was actually about the time the women's community trashed me and I started hanging out with drag queens and then eventually started dating men (fellow archaeologists mostly). Oh and I started my first training coven, passing along what I had learnt to date (as the closest covens I could find to my college town were hundreds of miles away). And I worked with the Creek Nation doing ritual work. The last thing I envisioned for myself was a cookie cutter life. And I can happily say I haven't had one.

[rubibees.livejournal.com]

This might be the time to reflect on the nature of being a Capricorn. Your sun sign is known for defining itself by the nature of the work that is done, and even more by the need to work or the need to be working. But this is not the sum total of anyone! You have some many other wonderful things going on in your life, and I know I'm not telling you anything you dont know...its just that Caps tend to take it very hard when their work life is destablized. It destabilizes their core. Maybe you should consider not looking for work for awhile--figure out if you can afford to take a break from it and dedicate yourself to something you wouldnt be able to do if you were working. It probably wont make the anxiety about not working go away, but it might shift your perspective a bit...**hugs**